“The Internet of Things!” crowed the Chancellor. “We’ll invest in what is known as the Internet of Things. So should someone have two kitchens, they will be able to control both fridges from the same mobile phone.”
Uproarious laughter filled the House.
“Why is that funny?” I asked. It
seemed strange. Nobody would laugh like that if I tried to control
two hosepipes with the same phone.
“Ed Milliband has two kitchens,”
said my friend Chris, who has spent the last few weeks reading about
politics. “He was pictured in the smaller one, and someone noticed it didn’t have a toaster. It’s all over the papers.”
Still, I wasn’t sure why the
Chancellor is suddenly talking about the Internet of Things. Quite
often you read about a concept for a fridge that knows when you’re
running out of something and adds it to your Ocado basket. It’s
never been produced, because such a fridge would have to be able to
identify a carrot, figure out if the carrot is limp or squishy, and
predict how many carrots you might fancy eating in the next week. All
of this is impossible.
Also, he wants to “control” Ed
Miliband's fridges from his phone. Who wants to control a fridge? It
needs no control. It keeps food between 3 and 4 degrees celcius. The
last thing I want is Russian hackers breaking into my fridge, raising
it to 6 degrees and giving me listeria.
Luckily, Robert Peston had an explanation.
Osborne appears to have decided on support for the internet of things to generate a two-kitchens gag about ed miliband #budget2015
— Robert Peston (@Peston) March 18, 2015
The budget document itself gave the
confusing detail. The government were giving “£40 million for demonstrator
programmes, business incubator space and a research hub to develop
applications for Internet of Things technologies in healthcare and
social care, and Smart Cities.”
Does a hosepipe count as a smart city?
My friend Jo, who is an expert on healthcare and social care, thinks
so. “It's definitely a smart city,” she blurted. “This is
amazing news. You'll get £35 million.”
She added that if I told George Osborne I was connecting a butler to the internet, I would get £39 million.
She added that if I told George Osborne I was connecting a butler to the internet, I would get £39 million.
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