A what?

Hi. I'm Dan, and I want to connect a hose to the internet.

This summer I'm planning to plant some tomatoes in my garden. I'm pretty good at growing the things, but generally too distracted to water them every day, or every other day, or twice a day, depending on who you listen to.

I've had some success using drip irrigation and a timer. But British summers can be blazing hot one day, and miserably wet the next, and I won't always be at home to adjust the timings. Hey – it's summer, and I want to be on the beach. Not twiddling with plumbing.

I suppose I could get hold of a soil moisture sensor, and somehow use that to automate a watering system. But I know what will happen then. The system will sense the soil is dry, and deliver the perfect amount of water to the roots. Half an hour later, the British skies will open, and drown the poor things. For a soil moisture sensor doesn't know if it's going to rain. Only the internet knows if it's going to rain.

So I want to connect a hosepipe to the internet.

It's 2015. We're living in the future. There's no wi-fi enabled watering robot in the shops. Let's fix this.